Since I’ve been sick the last week or so, I haven’t really thought of a great topic to write about outside of how much I hate being sick. So while I could have written about ho much the tiny, disgusting things that had invaded my chest cavity were - I decided instead to rehash my topic on tiny, disgusting things that have invaded Hollywood and just need to be stopped. Thats right ladies and gentlemen it’s time once again to explore the celebrities that piss us off, those undeserving, the annoying, or the just plain useless - the celebritwats.
The Kardashians
Requested by a friend, the Kardashians definitely are an entire family of “why-are-you-famous?” Now, in the matter of full disclosure I will say I kind of have a soft spot for Kim Kardashian - well, its starts that way at least. Shes not your typical anorexic Hollywood hooker, and as long as she doesn’t speak too much I’m sure her and I would have a great time together... at least until the ether wore off and she woke up. However as a collective hole the entire Kardashian ‘klan’ needs to just die.
Outside of being public profile call girls, what have these girls done to earn any semblance of the fame they seem to have heaped upon them? Every week there is a story about how one of them has gained or lost 498 pounds whether by binge eating, dieting, or dating or breaking up with some meathead athlete.
As for the show Kourtney and Kim Take New York - I hardly doubt Kourtney and Kim could take an ant hill, let alone an entire city. Maybe one day they’ll learn how to properly spell their names (Courtney, Chloe) and then - in some sort of Prada meets Billy Madison kind of hijinx, they’ll pass the 3rd grade, and begin actually developing skills and talents outside of “pose vapidly,” “fuck athletes,” and “party like undeserving spoiled rich bitches.”
I’m not asking them to go away completely but when you’re claim to fame is one of the world’s WORST sex tapes - if you can’t even FUCK ON FILM in an exciting way... you really need to take a step back and realize that people probably don’t take you seriously at all.
*As an aside, I realized off a website that Khloe has her own logo? Seriously, you aren’t a brand, you’re just a really rich and obnoxious toxic vagina with legs.
Sean Combs
“Who?” you may be asking. And if you are asking that, I’d normally tell you to piss off and go try your hand at reading “Green Eggs and Ham” again, but in this instance it’s almost a valid question. Almost, you’re not off the hook that easily, stupid.
You see a run down of Sean Combs is like the scene towards the end of “The Devil’s Advocate” where Al Pacino’s devil says, “Oh I have so many names...” - Now I’m not saying Sean Combs is the devil, let alone Al Pacino, but the man just cannot pick a moniker and stick with it.
Originally debuting himself as Puff Daddy, apparently he though that was a little too puffy and changed it up to P. Diddy (with the P standing for... nothing). Of course, this was after the short-lived Puffy (Sean “Puffy” Combs) stage which made it sound like he’d had an allergic reaction to something. Then he released his fashion line under the name Sean Jean. Now he’s back and performing as Diddy Dirty Money. I... uhm... WHAT THE FUCK DO I CALL YOU?
It really is amazing that fans haven’t just passed on him at this point as being some rich, eccentric, schizophrenic rapper. You know just let him sit in the corner chewing $100 bills while rocking back and forth, and every once in a while he’ll release an album like it was a crafts project he put together in the day-room in the mental health center. We’d all smile and say, “Very good Sean” and he’d scream back at us, “MY NAMES POOF DIDDLEMAN!” and wander back to his corner.
No, instead we have him putting bands together on MTV that you never actually hear of again. So perhaps he is crazy and assembles these bands and then chops up the winners in his basement, emerging under yet a new moniker to throw the po-po off his trail.
At least Eminem stopped with three goddamn personas.
Geroge Lopez
I still hate you George. Please fuck off and die. I can’t stress this enough.
Celebritwat Rapid-Shot!
Britney Spears - Can we stop with the comeback albums/tours? You’re finished. You had a chance then kind of went crazy whore on us. Now it’s just sad watching you nasal drip your way through album after album when I just imagine you smell like vodka, cigarettes, stale crackers, and dried semen.
Madonna - GRANDMA! PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON AND STOP WORKING OUT! Also, you’re not British you pretentious cunt, drop the accent.
Carson Daly - Mr. Daly, I do not know if you were informed but you are no longer a 20-something on MTV. Someone saw fit to give you a late night show on a grownups network. Now stop acting like a complete douchebag you Ryan Seacrest wannafuck.
Lindsay Lohan - I know this one is too easy, but will someone just hit this bitch with a car? Or just hire someone to dangle keys in front of her all day to keep her distracted so she can stop breaking the law for just a few goddamn minutes? She got busted for stealing a necklace recently. Lindsay FUCKING Lohan. I mean, if she has to resort to stealing the economy is worse than we thought and we are all truly fucked... or likely not because most of us aren’t spending all our cash on blow and legal fees.
---
Well, thats all for today. Don’t you worry, I expect something else will raise my ire soon enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment