"Sucker Punch" review - or - "How I made my night go from boring to suicidal."

My eyes and ears are trying to punch my brain in the equivalent of it's testicles at the moment thanks to the choice to view Zack Snyder's near pedophilic glorification of crazy women. I never expected this movie to be brilliant, but I was hoping for some sort of entertaining action flick with some hot chicks kicking ass - because seriously, is there anything hotter than a chick with a gun? The answer in this case is yes.

Hot chicks were there, in skimpy outfits; there was action; but the entire thing was a heartless excuse to show these girls prancing around to a rock/techno soundtrack (including a needless cover of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit.") The plot was an atrocity of nonsense and horsefuckery the likes of which haven't been seen since... honestly I can't finish that because I can't remember the last movie I saw that just pissed me off with the absurdity of it's story - and I've watched all of the Saw movies.

Let me see if I have this straight. Main crazy bitch ("Babydoll") is shown in the beginning grieving about her mother. Though the movie later says she is 20, she's dressed like a 14 year old with hooker makeup and pigtails. When her step-father learns Babydoll's mom left her fortune to only her daughters, he goes to Babydoll's room and grabs her shirt for some reason. She scratches him, he locks her in her room and heads towards BD's short lived sister's room. Babydoll escapes through a window, climbs down to the ground floor. Somehow shows up behind the step-father with a gun she got from... somewhere. Shoots, misses him, bullet punctures a pipe. She runs past evil step-father  and scoops up little sister who died... somehow. Step-father has her commited to a mental-institution and pays them to lobotomize her.

Then things get stupid.

Babydoll is in the chair for the lobotomy, and suddenly it turns out shes a character played by Sweet-Pea in an asylum hosted cabaret show and brothel. Somehow the main form of therapy involves dancing. This leads Babydoll to enter some dream state (think of Inception, but shes going higher up into varying levels of crazy bitch) where she learns from Spock's Dad that she can escape with 5 things - a map, fire, a knife, and a key. The fifth things is the uber ultimate sacrifice for perfect victory. Yes, she 'kills' herself at the end... uh, spoiler alert or something.

Over the course of the movie she has to dance (which is shown by her standing still while music gets loud, and then she blinks and is in the 3rd layer of crazy bitch - the adventure mode.) So she dances and fantasizes about her and her friends (the aformentioned Sweet-Pea, Sweet-Pea's sister Rocket [who never fires a rocket], Blondie [who is a brunette - so CLEVER!], and Amber - because Zack Snyder thought up of four names for little girls and then smoked meth and it was too hard to come up with anything better) killing zombie clockwork nazis, robots, giant samurai robot statues... and whatever, it's all a steaming pile of fuck-you. While the dance/fantasy is going on the girls, in the second layer of crazy bitch - the brothel, steal whatever they need from the distracted guy watching BD gyrate and moan (according to a description of her dancing given earlier).

Eventually things go to hell, Babydoll sacrifices her second level crazy bitch self so Sweet-Pea can escape, and then she wakes up freshly lobotomized - which is completed by having a metal spike lightly tapped with a hammer while held against the forehead. It doesn't even puncture the skin. In Zack Snyder's world - a wiffle ball to the head is apparently a brain erasing traumatic event.

The ending shows a lobotomized Babydoll almost get raped by an orderly who somehow runs the asylum but luckily gets arrested before he can get to second base with a vegetable in a miniskirt (appropriate asylum attire by the way.) So in the end all her friends but one die, she get's lobotomized thanks to a pedophile orderly manipulating the system, and her step-father gets away with everything.

In the end this movie should be able to be used as evidence that Zack Snyder needs to be beat about the cranium with wads of paper and those foam pool noodles as well as never allowed to direct another movie ever again. Thank god he's not attached to the next Superman reboot, Man of Steel.

Wait, what's that? 

Oh, go fuck yourself Hollywood!

Commercial Trends That Need To Stop [NSFW]

We've all seen them, commercials that just piss us off for one reason or another. I and my infinitely observant (made a few flippant mental notes in the last few minutes) have found a few trends in commercials that just need to be stopped before they strike again. These aspects of commercials make me not want to buy a product as it does makes me want to find the marketing team behind these mind-bleedingly awful campaigns and light them all on fire. Let's begin...

Incoming!!!!!

Hey everyone, working on a new entry as I write this. Taking some time to get some good ideas in. Hoping you'll all enjoy it.

Until then:



Pizza Hut just thought you should know about their awesome new menu item!

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Can We Ban Charlie Sheen From Detroit?

I have said before that I wasn’t going to write about Charlie Sheen and the whole ‘being fucking insane’ thing he has going on, but now that he’s started out his “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” show, the line has been crossed. Unlike a lot of people I chose not to waste the money on what would surely be an awful show, in part so I know I wasn’t responsible for fueling the ego of someone who needs some honest to god help. Part of me wishes I could have seen the horror unfold on his opening night at Detroit’s Fox Theater, but what I’ve read and seen reported has been quite enough. I think most people would agree with me when I say, “Stay the fuck out of Detroit you egotistical, drug addled, psychopath.”

I know, I'm late...

Sorry for the long delay between updates lately. I'm trying to think of entertaining things to write about here and also trying to think of a good idea for an article elsewhere. So currently I'm looking at ideas and deciding exactly what might deserve to be the focus of my piss and vinegar for your entertainment on two fronts.

Rest assured dear FTWN readers, I will have a real update soon for you.

As always in these updates, here is a stupid picture I had on my phone.



That man will end you!

Smooches,
Matteus


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Japan Devastated Because... God’s a Prick?

So, for the last few days I’ve been trying to write something about the disaster currently plaguing Japan. It’s tough for me writing about something so awful because on one hand I want to address the problem, but on the other I need to make sure that what I say doesn’t come off as insensitive. Thankfully, there are people with a larger media presence than myself who were willing to set the bar quite high (thanks Mr. Gottfried!) However, while Gilbert made some jokes in poor taste, effectively ending his career as the beloved - and not annoyingly screechy - Aflac duck, there is one man who went a step further, a man I never thought I’d be using as a launching point. That man is...

Glenn -fucking- Beck.

War and Peace: Celebrity Edition!

Hello everyone, welcome back to FTWN. Sorry for the extended hiatus but this last surgery took a lot out of me and I just have not been able to write anything outside of “OHMYGODMYCHESTHURTSWHATDIDYOUDOTOMEAUGHHHHH!!!!!?!?!?” Now that it’s been a few weeks I can finally take a few minutes to jot down some thoughts for a proper update. Thanks to all of you who were with me along the way - now, on to the loud-mouthed ranting and raving.

As many of you who have ever momentarily glanced at this blog may know, I am a big fan of getting pissed off at celebrities, finding the greatest amount of amusement in the bigger the fuck-up by the more undeserving of our elevated brothers and sisters. If the news is going to do nothing but shove shitty celebrity gossip down our throats then I’m going to react to it. [And yes, I know there are more important things going on but do you really want another article on how Gaddafi is bull-nuts fucking insane?]

So today I’ve decided to take some of the celebrities who are out there and declare my current stance on them. A lot of them out there either are undeserving of their status, are abusing it, or are just too fucked up to be allowed to continue on their current course, while others - philanthropic as they may not be, intelligent as the fail to be - are only doing what we expect them to and don’t really deserve a lot of the negativity heaped on them.

Now, let’s get to it. These celebrities won’t declare war on themselves...

Feeling meh...

I think I'm feeling better to write a blogpost soon. About what? I don't know, but something will written sometime about something at some point.

Until then enjoy thus momentary distraction:




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Hiatus Pt. II

Need to check some shit and may not be able to discuss much. I'll try to come up with random topics if I can, but until then enjoy this:






Don't worry, I'll try to think of a coherent topic or two in the meanwhile.

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Celebritwats Pt. II: The Twattening

Since I’ve been sick the last week or so, I haven’t really thought of a great topic to write about outside of how much I hate being sick. So while I could have written about ho much the tiny, disgusting things that had invaded my chest cavity were - I decided instead to rehash my topic on tiny, disgusting things that have invaded Hollywood and just need to be stopped. Thats right ladies and gentlemen it’s time once again to explore the celebrities that piss us off, those undeserving, the annoying, or the just plain useless - the celebritwats.

Sick...

...but don't worry, there will be a real update soon.

Until then, enjoy this:



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One-fucking-thousand!

Just hit 1,000 pageviews for this thing. Thanks everyone for reading!

Celebritwats (Pt. I?)

With today’s news regarding Charlie Sheen’s recent hospitalization, due to abdominal pain after a marathon party, he’s almost too easy of a target. All we need is for him to go off on a anti-semitic tangent and we can give him the 2011 Mel Gibson award for being a drunk fuck. However, we’ve known about Charlie for a while and honestly, how do you think you’d live your life if you were the highest paid TV star just for hanging out with Jon Cryer and a fat kid? I can barely stand to watch new episodes of “Two And A Half Men,” I can only imagine how painful it is on set.

However, the question here is why we keep Charlie Sheen around if he’s nothing but a womanizing drunk. Well, it seems to stem from bizarre relationship we have with our celebrities now. For some reason ‘celebrity’ has become less ‘white tower’ and more ‘dreck from the moat’ - as we see it heaped upon so many undeserving people. So in the interest of culling the herd, here is a list of celebrities that just need to fucking stop.

Florida Graded, "Needs Improvement" for Good Ideas

Children typically piss me off anymore. They just seem to be turning from precocious little scamps to pint-sized obnoxious little narcissists. And why shouldn’t they? There are a lot of shitty parents who don’t pay attention to what is going on in their kids lives, and believe in the “TV-sitter” philosophy. These kids are given what they want so they’ll just shut the fuck up most of the time.

So I’m typically one of the first to shout that parents need to involved in their kids lives, regardless of my opinion meaning absolute dick since I have no kids of my own (I just like to shout things, and bunnies.) However, I received a text message this morning from a friend regarding a new law some Floridian jagoff is trying to pass that would grade parents on their ‘involvement.’ But, you may be asking, isn’t this a good thing? Isn’t this a way to make sure parents become more involved in their child’s life? The answers are: “No,” and “Seriously, no. Now shut the fuck up and let me explain.”

Driving While Stupid

Ah winter, that wonderful time of year with the snow lightly falling, the snap of the cold air, and the assholes on the road. It seems, more than ever, people drive like complete idiots in the winter - but that is not the only time. In fact it seems more and more likely that the guy next to you or behind you forgets that he’s currently controlling a 2 ton death machine. And that's not the only thing these fuckers forget, sometimes it’s like they forget anything they ever learned from drivers ed. classes, if they ever learned anything at all. So in the interest of safety (this is a PSA!) let’s review basic driving rules, the F.T.W.N way.

Hmm...

Trying to think of a good topic to write on. Until then, laugh upon this:



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Headlines for 2011 - Let's Make Up the News

So while we are a few weeks into the New Year, we’ve had some pretty fucking big stories already. From dead birds falling out of the sky to an attempted assassination of an Arizona congresswoman, oh yeah - and something about the University of Michigan hiring a new coach that was apparently huge news that I was supposed to give a fuck about. 

Since I’ve already made my list of New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve decided to make a list of news stories I want to see in the coming year. Hopefully some of these come true.

Me So Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted anything within the last few days, I just haven't felt too good. I'll post something soon, I promise. Until then, here's a fat kid:



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Book Review: A Sample of "A Shore Thing"

Last night, one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt, was on ‘The Daily Show’ promoting his new book “Zombie Spaceship Wasteland” and I immediately grabbed my iPad, opened up iBooks and purchased a copy because I am a slave to my television and Jon Stewart. Upon opening iBooks though, I saw a familiar flipped hairdo up top a bright orange head:

No, not that, this one: 

Yes, apparently this living pile of Jersey’s waste has written a book titled, “A Shore Thing” (also available for iBooks). So I did what any self-loathing writer should do and downloaded the sample for iBooks.

What will follow are my thoughts moment to moment as I try to get through the brief sample of what I expect to be a classic piece of work that will change society on the level of Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense” or at least “Green Eggs and Ham.” So join me won’t you, on this journey through a sampling of one of the greatest minds of our generation, as I read a part of Nicole ‘Snooki’ Pollizi’s “A Shore Thing” (I’m not linking to it again, fuck off.)

What Do "Huckleberry Finn" and South Carolina Have In Common?

By now, most of you have heard of one of the greatest literary travesties of all time taking place with the new editions of Mark Twain’s famous novel, “Huckleberry Finn.” You see one publisher and Twain scholar Alan Gribben think the 219 uses of the word ‘nigger’ (and four in “Tom Sawyer,” - yes the novel, not the song by Rush you jackass) “puts the books in danger of joining the list of literary classics that Twain once humorously defined as those "’which people praise and don't read.’"

So far on MSNBC’s page for the issue it appears that intelligence is winning out and 96% of the people who have voted say the word needs to be kept in tact as Twain’s work is basically of historical note and shows the tensions of the time. So at least I feel like I’m in good company on this one. Seriously, the works of Twain, like them or not, like their language or not, are literary classics for the historical snapshots they offer. Should we run around using the word nigger anymore? No. Which makes things so confusing.

Go See 'Tron: Legacy,' Like Nows!

So, since seeing "Tron: Legacy" I've gone a bit nuts using these as WP's on my phone:

I've even fallen in love with the soundtrack done by Daft Punk. You don't even need to have seen the first "Tron" to enjoy this one, just go see it.

Matteus commands it!

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(Don't know why BlogPress changed the wallpaper resolution. They're supposed to be standard for iPhone 4's.)

Excuse Me, You’re In My Cyberspace

A few days ago I touched on how the Internet has brought us all together in a way where our collective stupidity has been allowed to run rampant like never before. The rate we can share information is incredible, but it also is a bit disruptive.

With connectivity comes entire new ways to annoy the ever-loving shit out of each other. It means we’re never truly alone or disconnected from people we may want to take a break from. In fact, it has gotten to the point where, in certain cases, if someone doesn’t come online or respond to one of many forms of communication from text messages we start to worry.

So this global connectivity has taken the place of true privacy. Now with the addition of Facebook, apps like Foursquare, and smart phones is impossible to truly escape. However, since Facebook only provides the information you choose to fill out and who can see it, and apps like Foursquare must be told to ‘check-in,’ this lack of privacy is partially our own damn fault.

New Year's Resolutions 2K11

Since it’s now 2011 it’s time to write the most cliched blog post of all time, the List of New Year’s Resolutions. The list of things everyone makes up, goals for the year, personal changes, and the list of most broken promises ever. I wonder if whoever came up with the idea of the New Year’s Resolutions expected so many to be broken. Perhaps they thrive on broken promises, drawing strength every time someone lights up a cigarette after make a resolution to quit smoking, or devouring an entire ham coated in butter (so they can swallow it in one gulp) after promising themselves to lose weight.

Come to think of it, why are New Year’s Resolutions so difficult for most people to keep? I think it comes down to a few things, namely the fact that you’re making a promise to yourself under the effects of alcohol and there is also no accountability to anyone other than yourself. Perhaps, from now on, when a resolution is made an enforcer should automatically be assigned. This enforcer would then be entrusted with the duty to punch you in the dick every time you stray from your resolution. 

We can do that for the 2011/2012 crossover, because I’m going to write my list of resolutions now and I don’t want to be punched in the dick. I also hope by this time next year most of you will have killed off enough brain cells to not remember that whole thing.