Driving While Stupid

Ah winter, that wonderful time of year with the snow lightly falling, the snap of the cold air, and the assholes on the road. It seems, more than ever, people drive like complete idiots in the winter - but that is not the only time. In fact it seems more and more likely that the guy next to you or behind you forgets that he’s currently controlling a 2 ton death machine. And that's not the only thing these fuckers forget, sometimes it’s like they forget anything they ever learned from drivers ed. classes, if they ever learned anything at all. So in the interest of safety (this is a PSA!) let’s review basic driving rules, the F.T.W.N way.

“It’s the pedal on the right, asshole!” - Remember when you decide to turn out into traffic, especially on a busy street to quickly but gradually get up to the speed of the traffic around you to not interrupt the ‘flow’ of traffic. You are not the god of the road, and honestly if you decide to go 10 miles slower than everyone else you deserve to get hit... in the face... with a bullet. This is compounded when you floor it to pull out but proceed to crawl once on the busiest road you could find and I have to slam on my brakes while you proceed to go thirty in a forty-five zone.

I’m not saying you always have to go the speed limit, but you do need to keep up with everyone around you. Let’s put it this way. If the car in front of you is a mere speck upon the horizon, and you can see my middle-finger in your rear-view, someone is holding up traffic. Guess who, douchey-cakes?

“It’s the pedal on the left, asshole!” - The antithesis to the previous rule is when to brake - and the general rule of thumb is, “A lot sooner than most of you idiots on the road do.” For fuck’s sake I should be able to wait at a stop light and not worry whether or not your car will stop before your engine is my passenger, and my brains are in the tailpipe of the jackass in front of me. If everyone is stopped you’re going to have to follow suit, most likely even if the light changes because the rest of us will have to accelerate. Nothing in your life is so important you can’t slow down for a few seconds.

Also, as a quick note - if you are required to stop for any reason, wait until you can go again before you actually go. Stop signs and lights mean you need to stop until you are cleared to go again. Also, Yield signs do not mean slow down a little and go through anyway, pay attention!

“Turn signals are not luxury features!” - Okay, so you’re driving along and you have to turn. This is where that lever that turns on those blinking arrows on your dashboard comes in handy. You see, that's not just “in-flight” entertainment for the simple minded, they actually help let the people behind you know you may be slowing down and may be turning in the direction indicated. See, it’s a lot better option than just saying, “I TURN NOW” and cutting the wheel as hard as you can to the right after you slam on your brakes. [Pro-tip: You can also take most turns at more than two miles per hour!]

You can also use the blinky-arrows (as I’m guessing most retards on the road know them) to show people when you’re going to switch lanes. This is exceedingly helpful, especially during rush hour because well - when driving, most people don’t like it when the guy next to them decides to cuddle, with his SUV.

“I’mma NASCAR! VROOOOOM!” - Look, I’m really happy you tricked out your car with all sorts of after market shit, or you got the V23894 engine that can do 0-60 in .02 milliseconds. You’re still a dick when you use that power on a regular street. If the next stop light is half a mile from the one you’re at now. Guess what all that power means? Yep - you’re probably going to have to stop again anyway, just in the half the time the rest of us will. Listen, you’re not Dale Earnheardt, you’re just a self-important jagoff with a fast car. I’m not impressed by how small your dick is, and what you do to make up for it. Now, slow it the fuck down and join the rest of us back in the flow of traffic before you kill someone (that isn’t you.)

This also applies to you assholes who constantly zip in and out of lanes. It’s not a race (and if you are racing, I hope it ends in a wall).

“Speed limits are merely suggestions!” - No they aren’t, and go fuck yourself. Speed limits, like it or not, are the actually legal limits on the speed you can travel. Don’t fucking argue with me on this one - sure some of us tend to drift a little over from time to time (though some “drift” exactly five miles per hour over a little more consistently) but there is no reason for you to do fucking seventy in a forty mile per hour zone. Also, my neighborhood is definitely not the goddamn place to get your Nascar on (though it is roughly circular.)

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To sum this whole thing up I can use one mantra that applies to a lot of things in life: “Don’t be a douche.” Seriously, if you calm down, and pay attention to whats happening on the road, and realize you’re not the most important thing on it we’ll all have a little easier time moving shit along. I’m sick of stupid people doing stupid things on the road, and it’s not all that difficult to do. 

You know what? Fuck it, I’m sending you all back to driver’s ed. with a bunch of whiny-ass 15 year-olds. And not, I’m not letting you drive on the freeway yet. 

(Note: I’m not going to mention drunk driving because if you need me to explain THAT one to you I’m just going to beat you until candy comes out.)