"Sucker Punch" review - or - "How I made my night go from boring to suicidal."

My eyes and ears are trying to punch my brain in the equivalent of it's testicles at the moment thanks to the choice to view Zack Snyder's near pedophilic glorification of crazy women. I never expected this movie to be brilliant, but I was hoping for some sort of entertaining action flick with some hot chicks kicking ass - because seriously, is there anything hotter than a chick with a gun? The answer in this case is yes.

Hot chicks were there, in skimpy outfits; there was action; but the entire thing was a heartless excuse to show these girls prancing around to a rock/techno soundtrack (including a needless cover of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit.") The plot was an atrocity of nonsense and horsefuckery the likes of which haven't been seen since... honestly I can't finish that because I can't remember the last movie I saw that just pissed me off with the absurdity of it's story - and I've watched all of the Saw movies.

Let me see if I have this straight. Main crazy bitch ("Babydoll") is shown in the beginning grieving about her mother. Though the movie later says she is 20, she's dressed like a 14 year old with hooker makeup and pigtails. When her step-father learns Babydoll's mom left her fortune to only her daughters, he goes to Babydoll's room and grabs her shirt for some reason. She scratches him, he locks her in her room and heads towards BD's short lived sister's room. Babydoll escapes through a window, climbs down to the ground floor. Somehow shows up behind the step-father with a gun she got from... somewhere. Shoots, misses him, bullet punctures a pipe. She runs past evil step-father  and scoops up little sister who died... somehow. Step-father has her commited to a mental-institution and pays them to lobotomize her.

Then things get stupid.

Babydoll is in the chair for the lobotomy, and suddenly it turns out shes a character played by Sweet-Pea in an asylum hosted cabaret show and brothel. Somehow the main form of therapy involves dancing. This leads Babydoll to enter some dream state (think of Inception, but shes going higher up into varying levels of crazy bitch) where she learns from Spock's Dad that she can escape with 5 things - a map, fire, a knife, and a key. The fifth things is the uber ultimate sacrifice for perfect victory. Yes, she 'kills' herself at the end... uh, spoiler alert or something.

Over the course of the movie she has to dance (which is shown by her standing still while music gets loud, and then she blinks and is in the 3rd layer of crazy bitch - the adventure mode.) So she dances and fantasizes about her and her friends (the aformentioned Sweet-Pea, Sweet-Pea's sister Rocket [who never fires a rocket], Blondie [who is a brunette - so CLEVER!], and Amber - because Zack Snyder thought up of four names for little girls and then smoked meth and it was too hard to come up with anything better) killing zombie clockwork nazis, robots, giant samurai robot statues... and whatever, it's all a steaming pile of fuck-you. While the dance/fantasy is going on the girls, in the second layer of crazy bitch - the brothel, steal whatever they need from the distracted guy watching BD gyrate and moan (according to a description of her dancing given earlier).

Eventually things go to hell, Babydoll sacrifices her second level crazy bitch self so Sweet-Pea can escape, and then she wakes up freshly lobotomized - which is completed by having a metal spike lightly tapped with a hammer while held against the forehead. It doesn't even puncture the skin. In Zack Snyder's world - a wiffle ball to the head is apparently a brain erasing traumatic event.

The ending shows a lobotomized Babydoll almost get raped by an orderly who somehow runs the asylum but luckily gets arrested before he can get to second base with a vegetable in a miniskirt (appropriate asylum attire by the way.) So in the end all her friends but one die, she get's lobotomized thanks to a pedophile orderly manipulating the system, and her step-father gets away with everything.

In the end this movie should be able to be used as evidence that Zack Snyder needs to be beat about the cranium with wads of paper and those foam pool noodles as well as never allowed to direct another movie ever again. Thank god he's not attached to the next Superman reboot, Man of Steel.

Wait, what's that? 

Oh, go fuck yourself Hollywood!

Commercial Trends That Need To Stop [NSFW]

We've all seen them, commercials that just piss us off for one reason or another. I and my infinitely observant (made a few flippant mental notes in the last few minutes) have found a few trends in commercials that just need to be stopped before they strike again. These aspects of commercials make me not want to buy a product as it does makes me want to find the marketing team behind these mind-bleedingly awful campaigns and light them all on fire. Let's begin...

Incoming!!!!!

Hey everyone, working on a new entry as I write this. Taking some time to get some good ideas in. Hoping you'll all enjoy it.

Until then:



Pizza Hut just thought you should know about their awesome new menu item!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Can We Ban Charlie Sheen From Detroit?

I have said before that I wasn’t going to write about Charlie Sheen and the whole ‘being fucking insane’ thing he has going on, but now that he’s started out his “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” show, the line has been crossed. Unlike a lot of people I chose not to waste the money on what would surely be an awful show, in part so I know I wasn’t responsible for fueling the ego of someone who needs some honest to god help. Part of me wishes I could have seen the horror unfold on his opening night at Detroit’s Fox Theater, but what I’ve read and seen reported has been quite enough. I think most people would agree with me when I say, “Stay the fuck out of Detroit you egotistical, drug addled, psychopath.”

I know, I'm late...

Sorry for the long delay between updates lately. I'm trying to think of entertaining things to write about here and also trying to think of a good idea for an article elsewhere. So currently I'm looking at ideas and deciding exactly what might deserve to be the focus of my piss and vinegar for your entertainment on two fronts.

Rest assured dear FTWN readers, I will have a real update soon for you.

As always in these updates, here is a stupid picture I had on my phone.



That man will end you!

Smooches,
Matteus


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Japan Devastated Because... God’s a Prick?

So, for the last few days I’ve been trying to write something about the disaster currently plaguing Japan. It’s tough for me writing about something so awful because on one hand I want to address the problem, but on the other I need to make sure that what I say doesn’t come off as insensitive. Thankfully, there are people with a larger media presence than myself who were willing to set the bar quite high (thanks Mr. Gottfried!) However, while Gilbert made some jokes in poor taste, effectively ending his career as the beloved - and not annoyingly screechy - Aflac duck, there is one man who went a step further, a man I never thought I’d be using as a launching point. That man is...

Glenn -fucking- Beck.

War and Peace: Celebrity Edition!

Hello everyone, welcome back to FTWN. Sorry for the extended hiatus but this last surgery took a lot out of me and I just have not been able to write anything outside of “OHMYGODMYCHESTHURTSWHATDIDYOUDOTOMEAUGHHHHH!!!!!?!?!?” Now that it’s been a few weeks I can finally take a few minutes to jot down some thoughts for a proper update. Thanks to all of you who were with me along the way - now, on to the loud-mouthed ranting and raving.

As many of you who have ever momentarily glanced at this blog may know, I am a big fan of getting pissed off at celebrities, finding the greatest amount of amusement in the bigger the fuck-up by the more undeserving of our elevated brothers and sisters. If the news is going to do nothing but shove shitty celebrity gossip down our throats then I’m going to react to it. [And yes, I know there are more important things going on but do you really want another article on how Gaddafi is bull-nuts fucking insane?]

So today I’ve decided to take some of the celebrities who are out there and declare my current stance on them. A lot of them out there either are undeserving of their status, are abusing it, or are just too fucked up to be allowed to continue on their current course, while others - philanthropic as they may not be, intelligent as the fail to be - are only doing what we expect them to and don’t really deserve a lot of the negativity heaped on them.

Now, let’s get to it. These celebrities won’t declare war on themselves...