D TRUBLEZ WIT TXTING

Now that the majority of our society seems to be firmly rooted in the online world, our collective consciousness is free to connect and interact, creating a never before seen, all powerful global network of...

Stupid.

Today Seth MacFarlane (yes, the creator of Family Guy; yes I follow celebrities on twitter, fuck-off) tweeted “Tweeters, if you need a resolution for 2011, how ‘bout we work on getting the whole “your/you’re” thing down?” which helped inspire this topic. There is an entire generation of people who are beginning to think the way they communicate online is acceptable for other real world applications such as school papers, etc. I’ve gotten notes at work that I’ve almost had to use Urban Dictionary to translate.

If Your TV is Bigger Than Your Bank Account...

As a retail employee, on top of being the billionaire world-traveling ladies man I am, I often see something that just pisses right the fuck off. Since my job is to fix the registers I get to see a lot of people come through all 30 lanes. All kinds of people shop at the store I’m employed at, but there are a certain kind that really just make it difficult to keep my mouth shut.

Now what I’m about to get into is kind of touchy given there are people out there truly in need of help. With the economy, there are some people who just don’t have jobs and are on some type of government program for assistance. A lot of these people are good, hard working people who are just kind of fucked right now. This is not about those people.

No, by request of a buddy of mine, this is about the leeches on society. The over-spenders, the freeloaders, the people who somehow are on food stamps, but live like kings and queens.

OMG Cooties!

A very minor event happened this Christmas at midnight mass that made me laugh. It had nothing to do with the homily, but the family sitting in front of us. Just in case some of you aren’t Catholic (or don’t know about this silly little ritual) but there is a point in each service where the priest blesses peace upon the congregation and then the same congregation is supposed to shake hands with the people around them, “Peace be with you.” It’s at this point I notice it happen - something is being passed down the row in front of us and the ENTIRE family is using hand sanitizer. This bugged the shit out of me, not because I was offended it implied I was unsanitary (though next year maybe I’ll stink palm someone just because of this incident,) but because we are going to sanitize ourselves to death.

It mostly bothers me with how its almost required that everything is recommended to be sanitized for kids, you know, the ones who haven’t yet had a lifetime to build up an immune system. Parents are so fucking paranoid that everything from toys to shopping carts need to be soaked in bleach before a kid can get near it, and in a few years parents will probably have that little fucker in a plastic bubble breathing purified oxygen. We’re essentially creating a generation of kids with bodies that don’t know how to defend themselves.

I’m not saying there is never a need to sanitize, see my bathroom rants for proof of that, but it seems we are worried to excess about keeping things sterilized. So worried that I’ve heard of people who have five bottles of the shit on or close by them at all times (two in the purse, one in a school bag, one the glove box of their car, and one they smuggled in a body cavity). We’ve gone a little overboard with this if it’s to the point that after shaking hands with people to wish them peace and goodwill you feel the need to scrub your hands with bleach and steel wool. 

Christ, I can only imagine what kinds of cleaning rituals these people go through after sex...

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Side-note: The “Stink Palm” clip was from the Kevin Smith movie Mallrats. I highly recommend watching it if you haven’t seen it already. One of my favorites of his, absolutely hysterical.

Spamgasm! [NSFW]

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Hiatus

Hey reader types, sorry there hasn't been an entry in a few days, but I promise one tomorrow. Currently visiting with my dad who came in for my surgery.

Anyway, in the meantime, enjoy this photo:

Kratos Doesn't Need a Blue Period!

As someone who enjoys video games (I refuse to use the word gamer, thanks to a certain Yahtzee Croshaw) I find the continued discussion about the existence of video games as art a bit funny, seeing as we have seen several other types of media evolve simply from entertainment to art in the last hundred years. There are obvious artistic elements to video games, but can a video game be art; can the sum of all the artistic puzzle pieces create an interactive piece of digital art?

Snowman Assault!

Frosty from above!

What It's About

I really wanted to go on an extensive rant about the whole Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays thing but I’ve barely noticed the militant political correctness that has policed us the last few years. Sure, there are signs that read “Happy Holidays,” but I’ve also seen businesses with “Merry Christmas” signs as well. Are we finally passed the “Happy Non-Denominational Holiday” (eat a dick John Mayer) scourge of holiday’s past? Or is it just that we finally are so screwed in other ways that the whole thing is kind of a non-issue?

Maybe that is actually it. Perhaps this year we find ourselves so financially and politically fucked that if someone wishes us a “Merry Christmas” we accept it, hoping that even though one may not celebrate the named holiday the intention is still there, and that we may have one or two days where we don’t have to worry about a goddamn thing. Perhaps it has finally just gotten to the point that while we all struggle for jobs, wonder how we’re going to pay bills, hope to god insurance rates or tuition don’t skyrocket in the next 365 day we really don’t have time to get angry that someone didn’t stop to consider our own personal beliefs and traditions when giving us our best - their wish that we have a happy holiday of our own, whatever it may be.

Perhaps the problem is perspective. Everyone lost it the last few years, and we got so stupid/crazy people lost their jobs over their holiday greetings. Maybe the important part isn’t what we celebrate, but that we celebrate at all. It’s that we are lucky enough to celebrate with the people we still have, that we are lucky enough ourselves to be alive to celebrate.

If we stop and think, about what the true meaning of the holidays are anymore, most religious context is somewhere near the bottom of the pile. They are all mostly generic commercialized and overexposed. Pine trees undergo a holocaust all their own to get wrapped in lights and covered in glass bulbs, and instead of a bed of dirt and pine needles these trees now sit over a pile of whatever presents a family could get together. For some it might be the new XBox 360 Kinect bundle and games, for others, they’ll feel lucky if there is anything at all. 

This year, my sister, mom, and I are sponsoring a poor family for Christmas. We’ve bought them gifts, both for fun, and things they need. Because this is the time that everyone needs a little hope, they need that wish of at least a few good days. It’s not about the gifts, it’s about what we all want - a little happiness, a little togetherness. And we want to help with that, regardless if they are our family or not.

So there you go. I’ve gone on getting all sappy enough for one day. You all go out and have yourselves a Merry Fuckin’ Christmas. :)

How to Use The Potty Pt.2

I said I’d finish this one, and - what’s that? - you didn’t believe me? Well fuck you then. I can stop right now, I don’t have to finish this. But I will because I’m bored as shit right now...

In part one I covered people who make too much noise, people who can’t aim correctly, and people who refuse to clean up after themselves. Now we’ll touch on some less common problems, but problems all the same.

Feeling Clean, Sold Through Stupid - Men

Watching TV with me is never an easy task. If I’m not randomly picking on the show itself (doesn’t matter if I like the show or not) you can be assured that my temper will flare once we get to the commercials. I get the concept of advertising but there are two particular breeds of commercial that really fucking get me going: soap and deodorant.

Soap (and bodywash), and deodorant are very targeted forms of advertising, dividing certain brands strictly by gender. For instance Axe (more on them later) is supposed to be for men, Olay is for women; and all brands seem to use the same techniques to sell to their target market - the problem is, the techniques are really fucking stupid.

Today I’ll be covering some of the advertising for men’s products:

How to Use The Potty Pt.1

Okay, I’m cheating a little bit tonight and revisiting an old topic. A lot of people who know me know I have a lot of issues with people using public restrooms. In a civilized society some of these issues shouldn’t even be issues but some people still just can’t seem to grasp the concept of public facilities. So, listed below, in no particular order, are some of the shittiest things you can do in a public restroom.

Kids These Days

Contrary to popular opinion I actually grew up as a fairly normal kid. I had my issues, sure - not every kid is blind in one eye, and I couldn’t keep up with my other friends because I had some heart trouble (ventral-septal defect for you smarty pants out there) - but other than that I was fairly normal.

Davey is a Randy Monkey...

Really? A toy monkey thats supposed to sit on your shoulder and masturbate? Why, I think I'll pass.

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Location:Warren Rd,Westland,United States

Feel Like Making Love?

“Hey Lover, tonight when you get home you don’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll draw you a nice hot bath while I cook dinner, then follow it up with a sensual massage. After that I will make love to you all night long.”

How many guys have written this same basic “love note?” Way to many of you fuckers. It starts out good: “I won’t have to worry about a thing? How nice.” 

“Ooh, a hot bath and HE’s cooking dinner (better be doing the damn dishes afterwards too.)”

“A massage would feel good.”

Life Choices

I call my sister “Retard” and my mom, “Momtard.” It seems to fit. Not because either of them are actually retarded, but because it helps to set the bar low. I don’t actually have a nickname because I never did much to raise the bar, let alone go anywhere near it. There’s also never been a lack of encouragement in my family, far from it. We were always encouraged, but it was tapered if anything. My mom would hang tests my sister failed on our bulletin board instead of the ones she passed. Partly because there’d be no room and also to keep her grounded to show her it’s okay if you don’t always do your best.

I on the other hand rarely did good or bad enough to make it near the board. My style of learning was of the “Good ‘Nuff” variety. I did everything I could to pass and little else. Some of the shit was just boring, I couldn’t care about hypotenuses and learning about the ancient Egyptians for the 15th time (in history and Bible classes, a double dose of me not giving a fuck). Since it was obvious I knew the material (except math, that I still struggle with - like 5th grade struggle) my parents just got frustrated but said it was my choice to apply myself or not. I made my choice, and thats why I’m writing.

Let my sister be the smart one.