Feel Like Making Love?

“Hey Lover, tonight when you get home you don’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll draw you a nice hot bath while I cook dinner, then follow it up with a sensual massage. After that I will make love to you all night long.”

How many guys have written this same basic “love note?” Way to many of you fuckers. It starts out good: “I won’t have to worry about a thing? How nice.” 

“Ooh, a hot bath and HE’s cooking dinner (better be doing the damn dishes afterwards too.)”

“A massage would feel good.”

And then the whole thing falls apart, you’re lucky if you don’t get laughed out of the bedroom. Look, the intention sounds good, but no real guy can make love all damned night. “But Matt, they do it in porn all the time,” yeah it’s also on a movie set but I don’t exactly see you letting me film our activities, let alone letting me have a fluffer on the side. Also, the average guy would last .02 seconds with a porn star their first time, they’re fucking professionals [I can’t tell if that pun was intended or not] for Christ’s sake.

Guys, we’re lucky if we can hit the 30 minute mark, I’m talking straight fucking here. We have our tricks to extend playtime but when it comes to straight love making, guys just can’t take it. Especially when you women start reacting, and I’m not talking porn star reacting. That shit works in the movies it does not work in the bedroom. It’s kind of like if we have to get somewhere in a hurry and I were to jack a car. Sure we’d make it to your mom’s house on time, but I know there’d be a talking to later - it doesn’t work.

Anyway - reactions. Women when you start reacting positively to what we’re doing it’s like getting a gold star with every moan, sharp breath, nail in the back. It just doesn’t help the situation. Not saying we don’t appreciate the feedback, don’t stop reacting. But each time you react it inches us that much closer to blowing it for the both of us.

Guys just can’t naturally keep at it all night, we’re not designed that way. Our equipment is made to get in, fire a few sperm down your squishy tunnel and hope one of them penetrates an egg and turns into a copy of ourselves that will one day kill us for your love and affection. Fuck you Oedipus.

And ladies, you don’t want us in there for too long. I’m sure having the same object repeatedly jabbed into your abdomen would lose all it’s fun after a while, at least until we learn how to make our dicks vibrate (mine can). After a while it’s just got to feel like a snake with a bad memory down there. I’m pretty sure about 10 minutes in you’re not even thinking about the sex anymore but what you have to do tomorrow, that pile of dishes you know he didn’t do after making dinner, those shoes you saw on display in Macy’s.

Let’s face another fact - most of us aren’t in great enough shape to make it all night. After 20-25 minutes, if we have made it to that mark we’re now sore, tired, sweaty, and “Jesus Christ I really have to fart,” (which is really only a concern for ladies, us guys are almost expected to ruin the moment by letting one rip.)

Now, if the guys can stay awake and in the mood long enough for his baby blaster to recharge, and if the lady is still into it and hasn’t put her flannel pajamas on with her hair up, glasses on, and is nose deep in whatever shitty novel Oprah’s hocking this time, then - THEN - you might have a chance for some long meaningful love making, or the guy might try his best and fall asleep right on top of you, Oprah’s book of the month just out of your reach.