One-fucking-thousand!

Just hit 1,000 pageviews for this thing. Thanks everyone for reading!

Celebritwats (Pt. I?)

With today’s news regarding Charlie Sheen’s recent hospitalization, due to abdominal pain after a marathon party, he’s almost too easy of a target. All we need is for him to go off on a anti-semitic tangent and we can give him the 2011 Mel Gibson award for being a drunk fuck. However, we’ve known about Charlie for a while and honestly, how do you think you’d live your life if you were the highest paid TV star just for hanging out with Jon Cryer and a fat kid? I can barely stand to watch new episodes of “Two And A Half Men,” I can only imagine how painful it is on set.

However, the question here is why we keep Charlie Sheen around if he’s nothing but a womanizing drunk. Well, it seems to stem from bizarre relationship we have with our celebrities now. For some reason ‘celebrity’ has become less ‘white tower’ and more ‘dreck from the moat’ - as we see it heaped upon so many undeserving people. So in the interest of culling the herd, here is a list of celebrities that just need to fucking stop.

Florida Graded, "Needs Improvement" for Good Ideas

Children typically piss me off anymore. They just seem to be turning from precocious little scamps to pint-sized obnoxious little narcissists. And why shouldn’t they? There are a lot of shitty parents who don’t pay attention to what is going on in their kids lives, and believe in the “TV-sitter” philosophy. These kids are given what they want so they’ll just shut the fuck up most of the time.

So I’m typically one of the first to shout that parents need to involved in their kids lives, regardless of my opinion meaning absolute dick since I have no kids of my own (I just like to shout things, and bunnies.) However, I received a text message this morning from a friend regarding a new law some Floridian jagoff is trying to pass that would grade parents on their ‘involvement.’ But, you may be asking, isn’t this a good thing? Isn’t this a way to make sure parents become more involved in their child’s life? The answers are: “No,” and “Seriously, no. Now shut the fuck up and let me explain.”

Driving While Stupid

Ah winter, that wonderful time of year with the snow lightly falling, the snap of the cold air, and the assholes on the road. It seems, more than ever, people drive like complete idiots in the winter - but that is not the only time. In fact it seems more and more likely that the guy next to you or behind you forgets that he’s currently controlling a 2 ton death machine. And that's not the only thing these fuckers forget, sometimes it’s like they forget anything they ever learned from drivers ed. classes, if they ever learned anything at all. So in the interest of safety (this is a PSA!) let’s review basic driving rules, the F.T.W.N way.

Hmm...

Trying to think of a good topic to write on. Until then, laugh upon this:



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Headlines for 2011 - Let's Make Up the News

So while we are a few weeks into the New Year, we’ve had some pretty fucking big stories already. From dead birds falling out of the sky to an attempted assassination of an Arizona congresswoman, oh yeah - and something about the University of Michigan hiring a new coach that was apparently huge news that I was supposed to give a fuck about. 

Since I’ve already made my list of New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve decided to make a list of news stories I want to see in the coming year. Hopefully some of these come true.

Me So Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted anything within the last few days, I just haven't felt too good. I'll post something soon, I promise. Until then, here's a fat kid:



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Book Review: A Sample of "A Shore Thing"

Last night, one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt, was on ‘The Daily Show’ promoting his new book “Zombie Spaceship Wasteland” and I immediately grabbed my iPad, opened up iBooks and purchased a copy because I am a slave to my television and Jon Stewart. Upon opening iBooks though, I saw a familiar flipped hairdo up top a bright orange head:

No, not that, this one: 

Yes, apparently this living pile of Jersey’s waste has written a book titled, “A Shore Thing” (also available for iBooks). So I did what any self-loathing writer should do and downloaded the sample for iBooks.

What will follow are my thoughts moment to moment as I try to get through the brief sample of what I expect to be a classic piece of work that will change society on the level of Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense” or at least “Green Eggs and Ham.” So join me won’t you, on this journey through a sampling of one of the greatest minds of our generation, as I read a part of Nicole ‘Snooki’ Pollizi’s “A Shore Thing” (I’m not linking to it again, fuck off.)

What Do "Huckleberry Finn" and South Carolina Have In Common?

By now, most of you have heard of one of the greatest literary travesties of all time taking place with the new editions of Mark Twain’s famous novel, “Huckleberry Finn.” You see one publisher and Twain scholar Alan Gribben think the 219 uses of the word ‘nigger’ (and four in “Tom Sawyer,” - yes the novel, not the song by Rush you jackass) “puts the books in danger of joining the list of literary classics that Twain once humorously defined as those "’which people praise and don't read.’"

So far on MSNBC’s page for the issue it appears that intelligence is winning out and 96% of the people who have voted say the word needs to be kept in tact as Twain’s work is basically of historical note and shows the tensions of the time. So at least I feel like I’m in good company on this one. Seriously, the works of Twain, like them or not, like their language or not, are literary classics for the historical snapshots they offer. Should we run around using the word nigger anymore? No. Which makes things so confusing.

Go See 'Tron: Legacy,' Like Nows!

So, since seeing "Tron: Legacy" I've gone a bit nuts using these as WP's on my phone:

I've even fallen in love with the soundtrack done by Daft Punk. You don't even need to have seen the first "Tron" to enjoy this one, just go see it.

Matteus commands it!

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(Don't know why BlogPress changed the wallpaper resolution. They're supposed to be standard for iPhone 4's.)

Excuse Me, You’re In My Cyberspace

A few days ago I touched on how the Internet has brought us all together in a way where our collective stupidity has been allowed to run rampant like never before. The rate we can share information is incredible, but it also is a bit disruptive.

With connectivity comes entire new ways to annoy the ever-loving shit out of each other. It means we’re never truly alone or disconnected from people we may want to take a break from. In fact, it has gotten to the point where, in certain cases, if someone doesn’t come online or respond to one of many forms of communication from text messages we start to worry.

So this global connectivity has taken the place of true privacy. Now with the addition of Facebook, apps like Foursquare, and smart phones is impossible to truly escape. However, since Facebook only provides the information you choose to fill out and who can see it, and apps like Foursquare must be told to ‘check-in,’ this lack of privacy is partially our own damn fault.

New Year's Resolutions 2K11

Since it’s now 2011 it’s time to write the most cliched blog post of all time, the List of New Year’s Resolutions. The list of things everyone makes up, goals for the year, personal changes, and the list of most broken promises ever. I wonder if whoever came up with the idea of the New Year’s Resolutions expected so many to be broken. Perhaps they thrive on broken promises, drawing strength every time someone lights up a cigarette after make a resolution to quit smoking, or devouring an entire ham coated in butter (so they can swallow it in one gulp) after promising themselves to lose weight.

Come to think of it, why are New Year’s Resolutions so difficult for most people to keep? I think it comes down to a few things, namely the fact that you’re making a promise to yourself under the effects of alcohol and there is also no accountability to anyone other than yourself. Perhaps, from now on, when a resolution is made an enforcer should automatically be assigned. This enforcer would then be entrusted with the duty to punch you in the dick every time you stray from your resolution. 

We can do that for the 2011/2012 crossover, because I’m going to write my list of resolutions now and I don’t want to be punched in the dick. I also hope by this time next year most of you will have killed off enough brain cells to not remember that whole thing.