So while we are a few weeks into the New Year, we’ve had some pretty fucking big stories already. From dead birds falling out of the sky to an attempted assassination of an Arizona congresswoman, oh yeah - and something about the University of Michigan hiring a new coach that was apparently huge news that I was supposed to give a fuck about.
Since I’ve already made my list of New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve decided to make a list of news stories I want to see in the coming year. Hopefully some of these come true.
Russian Scientists Can See Sarah Palin’s House From Lab
Ever since her (one of many) memorable statement that she could see Russia from her house, Tea Party scientists have been trying to prove this true as hard as possible. In a turn of events, thanks to modern technology and licensing deals with TLC, Russian scientists have claimed to successfully see Sarah Palin’s house from their lab.
Using internet services the scientists were able to tune in to episodes of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” Russian Scientists only had the following to say, “Now that we have seen her house, it’s nothing all that special. However, it gives great hope to our people that we beat the Americans in the race to see across the Bering Straight to either our country or Sarah Palin’s house.”
There is word NASA is planning a manned mission to land a house for Sarah Palin in Russia.
New Bacteria Feeds on Heroin, Keith Richards Missing
In the war against drugs, it’s hard sometimes to find a proper way to dispose of the drugs acquired during busts and raids. Enter a new bacteria that has been found to safely devour heroin. Scientists safely developed the strain of bacteria by using the blood of several musicians.
Sadly, during a test a highly potent strain of the bacteria was released into the air in the same city Keith Richards (of Rolling Stones Fame) currently resides. When Richards was unable to be reached for days by family or friends, authorities were called. Upon entering the residence there was no sign of a break in or foul play just a pile of clothes, some jewelry, and a mess of goop identified as the waste of the heroin feeding bacteria
Richards is now assumed deceased.
Hybrid and Electric Car Prices Lowered, Regularly Fueled Cars Skyrocket
While constantly claiming to be “eco-friendly” and “green,” the auto companies decide to actually show they might be both as well as a little smart when they decide to adjust the pricing on the different engine types. Since the most common answer to “Why didn’t you get a hybrid?” seemed to be, “Because it’s too fucking expensive,” the auto companies have decided to lower the price of Hybrid and Electric engine types.
“We will still offer cars that operate solely on regular gasoline, but since they are harmful to the environment, and to offset some of the cost of offering cheaper hybrids and electric motors we are going to rape you up the ass if you want to buy one,” says a representative from one of the big-name auto companies. “I mean, we want to encourage people to drive cleaner cars so if you still feel like polluting it will cost you.”
Ke$ha Apologizes, Stops Doing Things
Trailers around the world today were filled with sounds of sadness but understanding as Ke$ha, now just Kesha - without the dollar sign, has announced she will no longer be recording music, and looking or acting like a complete whore.
“I have put away the glitter and will now use water and toothpaste to brush my teeth, not Jack Daniels,” said the 22 year old recording artist. “I realize now my music is awful, and no amount of auto-tuning can ever turn me into a respectable musician. I would like to apologize to all the parents out there whose children have heard my music and seen my inappropriate behavior. I am no role model.”
Currently Kesha plans to take the summer off taking a vacation at a spa to try to clean her system of alcohol, glitter, and other peoples bodily fluids. It is estimated she has not had a shower in over 8 months. She will then apply to school to become a medical assistant.
People Finally Admit “Two and a Half Men” is No Longer Funny
Long running sitcom “Two and a Half Men” (starring professional drunk Charlie Sheen, “Oh that’s where he’s been” Jon Cryer, and a fat kid) has been losing steam for a while, but for some reason no one has been willing to admit it. Finally, in it’s 8th season viewers admit that the show hasn’t ever really been that funny, but it’s lost what little it had.
Even “the fat kid” had an opinion: “Really, ever since my character, the fat kid, hit high school - things have been going downhill. Though it has been a lot of fun doing blow off the backs of hookers with Charlie.”
A network executive had the following to say, “You finally noticed? I mean fuck man, we did that as a joke. Couldn’t you tell? I didn’t realize it was still going though. Does this mean we’re actually paying Cryer? Dammit.”
The show is expected to run until the year 2027.
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Thats all for articles, now just a few headlines:
- Katy Perry & Kim Kardashian Sex Tape Scandal: Males Rejoice!
- Ryan Seacrest Suffers Stroke, Will Duet “Auld Lang Syne” with Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve
- Sarah Palin Eaten by Wild Moose, Moose Revealed to Have Target Map Online
- Colbert/Stewart Announce 2012 Political Running
So there are some of the things I want to see in 2011. What are you looking forward to?
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