How to Use The Potty Pt.2

I said I’d finish this one, and - what’s that? - you didn’t believe me? Well fuck you then. I can stop right now, I don’t have to finish this. But I will because I’m bored as shit right now...

In part one I covered people who make too much noise, people who can’t aim correctly, and people who refuse to clean up after themselves. Now we’ll touch on some less common problems, but problems all the same.

“The subscriber you’re trying to reach is taking a massive dump.”

How many times have you been sitting there, minding your own business when you hear someone start talking in the stall next to you? It never seems to be an emergency, the person is just perfectly okay with talking to someone while committing crimes against humanity with their bowels. Seriously, there’s never some kind of quick, “Hey Bob, let me call you back after I decimate this toilet.” Not only is it rude for the person on the other end of their phone, but it’s rude to everyone else in the restroom.

The solution: make as much noise as possible. I know this violates my first complaint, but in this instance we are waging war. If someone insists on talking on the phone (and always telling the person on the other end their in the car or some bullshit like that), then it’s time to make it sound like their car is full of tuba players who recently finished up an all-bean burrito lunch until they get the hint and hang the fuck up.

While this next part doesn’t bug me much, I always wonder about people who text constantly while on the shitter. You want to tap-tap-tap on your phone to someone that’s fine. I just wonder what you’re actually texting about. Are you informing someone you’re in the restroom, live-blogging about it (size, strain, smell, color, etc...) I can’t say I’m innocent of this, but it always is a curiosity as to what people are texting about in there.

“Hey Buddy, Pt. 1”

This one is a little more common when you’re at a bar, but it should still be avoided at all costs. As a comedian, whose name I cannot think of, once said, “You don’t touch me while I’m touching me.” There is absolutely no reason for you to walk in and slap me on the shoulder and say hi. There is even less reason for your to put approach the urinal next to mine and lean on my shoulder. I’m not standing there to support you, I’m kind of busy myself.

The biggest offender of this phenomenon, outside of a bit of “jail cell surprise,” is easily putting your arm around me. If you do that, it violates every inch of my bubble and brings us a little closer than we ever need to be. Even if we know each other, this is not a bonding experience. We aren’t urinal buddies, piss partners, or tinkle twins. Remove your arm from my shoulder and keep focused on the task at hand.

“Hey Buddy, Pt. 2”

Another thing we don’t have to do is chat while doing our business. You see I’m in the restroom for a secondary reason on top of dropping clumps of last nights dinner down the drain, I’m in there to escape. Last thing I need is to be interrupted by you suddenly saying hi and asking how things are going. The first problem is that it’s really hard to tell if your violating our previous rule, “The subscriber you’re trying to reach is taking a massive dump,” thanks to the wonders of Bluetooth headsets. It’s bad enough you’re talking in the bathroom, it’s more awkward when we think you’re talking to us and then proceed to get annoyed when we’re answering the questions you’re asking.

Now, if you AREN’T using a headset and really are trying to talk to me, then things are really fucking weird. Why not talk to me outside of the restroom? Why do you have a sudden concern in my bowel movements? Isn’t in a little weird that you suddenly take interest in my life when both our pants are around our ankles? Wait... that came out weirder than the rest of this entry.

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Well, that wraps up part 2 of my restroom rant. I’m sure I’ll think of some things I missed later, but right about now I’m sure you’re sick of reading this shit (pun!) Now, next time you’re in the restroom, try to act like a fucking adult and let me take a shit in piece on a nice clean toilet seat.