Okay, I’m cheating a little bit tonight and revisiting an old topic. A lot of people who know me know I have a lot of issues with people using public restrooms. In a civilized society some of these issues shouldn’t even be issues but some people still just can’t seem to grasp the concept of public facilities. So, listed below, in no particular order, are some of the shittiest things you can do in a public restroom.
“Oooooh-Nnnnnng-Ahhhhhh”
When it comes to making noises in the bathroom there is an acceptable level. I get that sometimes it feels like you’re giving birth to a fat baby, sometimes you need to put some fucking effort into it. Give it hell. However, there is a certain level of strain where it sounds like your trying to take a big enough shit to empty your chest cavity. This is not a viable weight loss plan, nor is the level of noise acceptable.
Grunting and groaning at the top of your lungs as you play Ax-Men: Porcelain Logger is just frightening. It doesn’t make it any better when you start pounding on the walls of the stall and shouting at the thing. That tiny brown being in your asshole is already scared to come out, do you really think roaring and banging on things is going to encourage it? Christ, if you have that much issue taking a shit try some stool softener or up your fiber. Something, please.
“Mmmmmmm...”
Yep, another noise violation. I’ll try to keep this one short and sweet. Don’t make it sound like your having a fucking orgasm while you are going to the bathroom. No one wants to hear that. And if you’re a guy pissing in a urinal, do not lean your head back and let your eyes roll to the back of your head. I should not see that while you’ve got your dick in your hand.
“Whaddya mean ‘in the bowl’?”
It’s a relatively simple concept that many people seem to have a difficult time with. Your waste, goes in the goddamn bowl. It’s quite bewildering how many times I open a stall to find the seat covered in some hellish urine and/or feces coating. Sometimes it looks like someone smeared the entire thing with a Hershey’s bar (almonds optional).
Regarding urine on the seat, in a men’s room... well HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU MANAGE THAT? If ALL of the urinals are occupied and you must use a stall, lift the seat, or aim. Real easy: 1.) Put dick in hand; 2.) Point dick at bowl; 3.) Piss in bowl. It’s not like you need to adjust coordinates with HQ for a laser-assisted target - you just piss in the damned thing.
When it comes to shit, I will start out by saying that I understand ‘emergencies,’ sometimes you make it just in the nick of time. However, there are sometimes that are just someone being a careless slob. Again, it’s a matter of aiming - you just adjust the position of your asshole above the bowl and proceed to drop bombs. If you happen to feel half of the seat up the crack of your ass you’re doing something wrong - Get up reposition, and try again.
This actually brings me another issue.
“This is my masterpiece!”
I don’t care if you consider yourself a modern artist or just a fat, goddamn slob, but the public restroom is not your installation piece. If you happen to miss either point above, you are old enough to clean up after yourself. Believe it or not, there are other people who may want to use the restroom, and it’d be a whole lot easier to do if we didn’t have to play stall-roulette to find a seat free of your rendition of “Starry Night” done in tones closely resembling your goddamn dinner.
There is no fucking reason I have to put more work into finding a place to drop a load than I do actually dropping it. Once I went to 3 different restrooms on two separate floors to find a stall that was actually clean. This was at college, an institution of higher learning - where I expect people to be intelligent. If you can’t properly take a shit it really is a miracle more people don’t stab themselves to death with spoons.
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Well, this is just part one. I’ll continue this rant later as we still have a couple of issues to deal with. This is a good start though. And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have myself a nice peaceful, quiet, clean bowel movement. Enjoy that mental image.
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