War and Peace: Celebrity Edition!

Hello everyone, welcome back to FTWN. Sorry for the extended hiatus but this last surgery took a lot out of me and I just have not been able to write anything outside of “OHMYGODMYCHESTHURTSWHATDIDYOUDOTOMEAUGHHHHH!!!!!?!?!?” Now that it’s been a few weeks I can finally take a few minutes to jot down some thoughts for a proper update. Thanks to all of you who were with me along the way - now, on to the loud-mouthed ranting and raving.

As many of you who have ever momentarily glanced at this blog may know, I am a big fan of getting pissed off at celebrities, finding the greatest amount of amusement in the bigger the fuck-up by the more undeserving of our elevated brothers and sisters. If the news is going to do nothing but shove shitty celebrity gossip down our throats then I’m going to react to it. [And yes, I know there are more important things going on but do you really want another article on how Gaddafi is bull-nuts fucking insane?]

So today I’ve decided to take some of the celebrities who are out there and declare my current stance on them. A lot of them out there either are undeserving of their status, are abusing it, or are just too fucked up to be allowed to continue on their current course, while others - philanthropic as they may not be, intelligent as the fail to be - are only doing what we expect them to and don’t really deserve a lot of the negativity heaped on them.

Now, let’s get to it. These celebrities won’t declare war on themselves...

Lady Gaga - War’s Been Declared!

Oh Lady Gaga, how you’ve misstepped lately. I was initially willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and live with you being this generations Madonna with your slightly offensive-yet-catchy music and bizarre costumes and stage show, but you’ve kind of overplayed yourself to the point of a joke. Your first “Did she suffer a closed head injury?” moment was probably the meat dress (hope you got your snatch checked for E.Coli, though I’m sure that won’t be the worst thing to ever grow in there) while you followed it up with showing up to the Grammy’s in an egg thing that looked more like 

something from a horror movie. Granted it was a neat lead in to your performance, but not that neat. Now I hear your next song will be called “Government Hooker?” Gee, thats just what makes good dance music, politics! I don’t know if the song is political outside of the word government but that word is al it takes.

What you have to learn is that no one really takes you seriously when you do anything but perform. We don’t give two shits about your views (though you could probably use those same shits to make such an awesome costume. It also doesn’t help that you kind of look like Marilyn Manson and Gwen Stefani had a baby with downs syndrome. I’m no longer willing to overlook such stupidity and accept the “well she IS being artistic” argument because you’ve moved from entertainment to schlock. And for that, I hope the next time you climb inside a giant egg, they plug the airholes.

Justin Bieber - Peace Has Been Reached

I’ve decided to give up on the rampant hatred of Justin Bieber for now. Not because I suddenly find his music worthwhile or anything but because he’s proved himself to be not quite a douchebag. From an appearance on the Daily Show where he and Jon Stewart were caught in some sort of “Freaky Friday” type body swap to his crashing a Johnny Depp press conference for “Rango” just to say hi, the kid just comes of as fucking personable. Sure, his fanbase, the hype, the book (don’t get me started), and the hair all piss me off - but the kid himself has not done anything to deserve my ire. Hell, he even doesn’t take himself so as seriously as everyone around him seems to. 

No, the only people in Bieber’s camp that truly deserve to be shot in the kidneys are his agents, managers, etc... anyone responsible for the overhype known as Bieber-Fever. Those people are going to burn out a kid who actually seems like he has the potential to have a real career. I’ll wait and see over the next few years how things go, but I feel comfortable in declaring this peace treaty.

Charlie Sheen - We Shall Remain Neutral

I know some of you are expecting me to just go off on a rant about Charlie Sheen and how hilarious his downward spiral has been. But there really aren’t any funny joks about him that aren’t basically being told by him. You can’t get any funnier than the shit flying out of his mouth. At least when Mel Gibson went anti-semite he shut up when he got sober, Sheen just seems to get worse the more you keep the drugs and booze from mixing with his ‘tiger blood.’

Basically, there is nothing I can say that you can’t find anywhere else - whether it be in one of Sheen’s many radio and TV interviews, articles in Entertainment Weekly, or his own Twitter account. Right now, I’m just kind of following the Charlie Sheen train to see where exactly it’s going to crash. It’s like that movie “Unstoppable,” but instead of Denzel Washington it has porn stars... and the train is filled with cocaine.

Will Smith and Clan - War’s Been Declared

Oh Fresh Prince, why did you have to go and give in to either your kid’s sense of self-entitlement or your own hubris? From the second I heard you were placing your son in the lead of the new Karate Kid movie, I knew the special relationship you once shared with your fans was gone. No more would we get the Will Smith and his fun-yet-inoffensive pop/r&b music, nor the charm that would promise us at least a little smile even if the movie you were in was complete shit. Nope, that is now gone forever and we have a egomanical father building an empire on the backs of his two children. Your plan to redo Annie and already casting your daughter in the lead role, based solely on the fact that she had one stupid hit about headbanging herself retarded and that Jay-Z once sampled an Annie song for one of his hits is just plain awful.

Look, your kids - like ANY OTHER PARENTS CHILDREN - are never as talented as you think they are. Just because you have the money to buy them into careers doesn’t mean its a good idea. A lot of people already don’t like them, they come with a sense of pre-destination that immediately ruins any of the charm you used to have. Don’t you see Will? Thats what we liked about you, you seemed to come from nowhere, work hard as a musician AND actor, and you were charming. Now we’re just left with a shitty ego, two obnoxious kids, and oh yeah... the whole ‘Scientology’ thing.

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Well there you have it. Four celebrities and where the sovereign blog of FTWN stands with them. There will definitely be more to come, as celebrities can go from likeable to batshit crazy in the snort of a line and back again with a brief stint in rehab (or blinking your eyes and fixing your mind at the Sober Lodge!*) Thanks for reading!

[I told myself no cheap Charlie Sheen jokes outside of his section, goddamnit it!]