"Sucker Punch" review - or - "How I made my night go from boring to suicidal."

My eyes and ears are trying to punch my brain in the equivalent of it's testicles at the moment thanks to the choice to view Zack Snyder's near pedophilic glorification of crazy women. I never expected this movie to be brilliant, but I was hoping for some sort of entertaining action flick with some hot chicks kicking ass - because seriously, is there anything hotter than a chick with a gun? The answer in this case is yes.

Hot chicks were there, in skimpy outfits; there was action; but the entire thing was a heartless excuse to show these girls prancing around to a rock/techno soundtrack (including a needless cover of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit.") The plot was an atrocity of nonsense and horsefuckery the likes of which haven't been seen since... honestly I can't finish that because I can't remember the last movie I saw that just pissed me off with the absurdity of it's story - and I've watched all of the Saw movies.

Let me see if I have this straight. Main crazy bitch ("Babydoll") is shown in the beginning grieving about her mother. Though the movie later says she is 20, she's dressed like a 14 year old with hooker makeup and pigtails. When her step-father learns Babydoll's mom left her fortune to only her daughters, he goes to Babydoll's room and grabs her shirt for some reason. She scratches him, he locks her in her room and heads towards BD's short lived sister's room. Babydoll escapes through a window, climbs down to the ground floor. Somehow shows up behind the step-father with a gun she got from... somewhere. Shoots, misses him, bullet punctures a pipe. She runs past evil step-father  and scoops up little sister who died... somehow. Step-father has her commited to a mental-institution and pays them to lobotomize her.

Then things get stupid.

Babydoll is in the chair for the lobotomy, and suddenly it turns out shes a character played by Sweet-Pea in an asylum hosted cabaret show and brothel. Somehow the main form of therapy involves dancing. This leads Babydoll to enter some dream state (think of Inception, but shes going higher up into varying levels of crazy bitch) where she learns from Spock's Dad that she can escape with 5 things - a map, fire, a knife, and a key. The fifth things is the uber ultimate sacrifice for perfect victory. Yes, she 'kills' herself at the end... uh, spoiler alert or something.

Over the course of the movie she has to dance (which is shown by her standing still while music gets loud, and then she blinks and is in the 3rd layer of crazy bitch - the adventure mode.) So she dances and fantasizes about her and her friends (the aformentioned Sweet-Pea, Sweet-Pea's sister Rocket [who never fires a rocket], Blondie [who is a brunette - so CLEVER!], and Amber - because Zack Snyder thought up of four names for little girls and then smoked meth and it was too hard to come up with anything better) killing zombie clockwork nazis, robots, giant samurai robot statues... and whatever, it's all a steaming pile of fuck-you. While the dance/fantasy is going on the girls, in the second layer of crazy bitch - the brothel, steal whatever they need from the distracted guy watching BD gyrate and moan (according to a description of her dancing given earlier).

Eventually things go to hell, Babydoll sacrifices her second level crazy bitch self so Sweet-Pea can escape, and then she wakes up freshly lobotomized - which is completed by having a metal spike lightly tapped with a hammer while held against the forehead. It doesn't even puncture the skin. In Zack Snyder's world - a wiffle ball to the head is apparently a brain erasing traumatic event.

The ending shows a lobotomized Babydoll almost get raped by an orderly who somehow runs the asylum but luckily gets arrested before he can get to second base with a vegetable in a miniskirt (appropriate asylum attire by the way.) So in the end all her friends but one die, she get's lobotomized thanks to a pedophile orderly manipulating the system, and her step-father gets away with everything.

In the end this movie should be able to be used as evidence that Zack Snyder needs to be beat about the cranium with wads of paper and those foam pool noodles as well as never allowed to direct another movie ever again. Thank god he's not attached to the next Superman reboot, Man of Steel.

Wait, what's that? 

Oh, go fuck yourself Hollywood!