Japan Devastated Because... God’s a Prick?

So, for the last few days I’ve been trying to write something about the disaster currently plaguing Japan. It’s tough for me writing about something so awful because on one hand I want to address the problem, but on the other I need to make sure that what I say doesn’t come off as insensitive. Thankfully, there are people with a larger media presence than myself who were willing to set the bar quite high (thanks Mr. Gottfried!) However, while Gilbert made some jokes in poor taste, effectively ending his career as the beloved - and not annoyingly screechy - Aflac duck, there is one man who went a step further, a man I never thought I’d be using as a launching point. That man is...

Glenn -fucking- Beck.

You see, while Japan suffered an earthquake that topped out the Richter Scale and he resulting 30ft tsunami, Glenn was trying to help figure out a reason such a devastating event took place. However, in the wonderfully mad world he lives in it seems “God” may or may not be responsible (apparently Christians have a wishy-washy deity, or Beck is a shitty prophet) stating: “I'm not saying God is causing earthquakes - well I'm not not saying that either! What God does is God's business, I have no idea. But I'll tell you this whether you call it Gaia or you call it Jesus, there's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just saying (http://nydn.us/fLPWLk).” 

This is some world class crazy right here. He goes on to recommend we get back to following the “Ten Commandments” because apparently Charlton Heston can save us from future disasters. Basically Glenn Beck is saying that this horrible disaster occurred because someone pissed in God’s Cheerios. Yep, apparently those Japanese Christians, about 10% of the population, were being so evil that God decided to just bitch-slap the entire country. If this was supposed to be a message from God-Hulk, I think he sent it to the wrong people.

If Beck is to be believed, and this is a result of God himself lashing out, could he possibly give the Japanese people an idea of perhaps when this Holy Tantrum will be over? Since the first quake and tsunami the nation has suffered not only aftershocks (that are strong enough to be Earth-shattering on their own) but additional quakes, volcanic eruption, and now are under threat of nuclear meltdown from a number of reactors. This isn’t God sending a message, this is what would happen if God was Chris Brown, and Japan was actually the nation of Rhianna.

Hey Beck, here's the REAL reason it happened - one tectonic plate was dragged under another until the pressure became too great and the plate snapped back up. This caused a massive earthquake, topping out the scale we use to measure such events. That’s right, now estimated at a 9.0/9.0 this quake basically hit WTF levels of power. The pressure therefore caused such ripples of unbridled natural force that it pushed a 30 foot high tsunami over the island, wiping entire cities and villages off the map. The force was so great the entire country moved a few inches and sank a little further into the ocean. It was all a force of fucking nature. Nothing that any amount of good deeds or Christian living could prevent.

Oh yeah, it also caused a lot of people to forget where they parked.

If God truly was pissed off about something, don’t you think he’d take it out on a nation where the majority of his followers are? I mean, that’s like a parent saying, “If you don’t eat your vegetables I will beat the shit out of a kid two cities over and then light them on fire.” Do you see the slight flaw in the logic? That’s not going to make a kid eat his vegetables. He may feel bad for the charred little bastard, but hey, he didn’t have to eat his veggies. Surely God, if he was trying to teach us a lesson could aim somewhere a little more relevant to his cause like Mexico, Europe, or perhaps (dare I say it? I dare!) the United States.

Though maybe God just wanted to wipe out some of these fuckers.

So, sorry Glenn, you can’t really use this disaster to stir up the usual politico-religious fervor you try to twist things into. Of course, while the chances of God being pissed off solely at Japan are relatively low (we're all a bunch of ungrateful sinning assholes), I know he’s not a big fan of people putting words in his mouth. Yeah, false prophets are a big no-no. So how about you shut up before you draw the big guy's attention over to the people who really might deserve his wrath? 

What?