Book Review: A Sample of "A Shore Thing"

Last night, one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt, was on ‘The Daily Show’ promoting his new book “Zombie Spaceship Wasteland” and I immediately grabbed my iPad, opened up iBooks and purchased a copy because I am a slave to my television and Jon Stewart. Upon opening iBooks though, I saw a familiar flipped hairdo up top a bright orange head:

No, not that, this one: 

Yes, apparently this living pile of Jersey’s waste has written a book titled, “A Shore Thing” (also available for iBooks). So I did what any self-loathing writer should do and downloaded the sample for iBooks.

What will follow are my thoughts moment to moment as I try to get through the brief sample of what I expect to be a classic piece of work that will change society on the level of Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense” or at least “Green Eggs and Ham.” So join me won’t you, on this journey through a sampling of one of the greatest minds of our generation, as I read a part of Nicole ‘Snooki’ Pollizi’s “A Shore Thing” (I’m not linking to it again, fuck off.)

 (20:03) The cover seems to be trying to use every color in the box of crayons, and that's just on her face. Those empty eyes staring as the hair monster atop her head feeds, leaving an empty shell of spray tanner and ‘smokey eyes’ makeup - or death pall charcoal, you call it.

(20:15) This is the entire front cover flap. We’re talking Tolstoy levels of depth here that could only be rivaled by tossing a copy of Shakespeare into the Mariana Trench: 

“It’s a summer to remember . . . at the Jersey Shore.

Giovanna “Gia” Spumanti and her cousin Isabella “Bella” Rizzoli are going to have the sexiest summer ever. While they couldn’t be more different—pint-size Gia is a carefree, outspoken party girl and Bella is a tall, slender athlete who always holds her tongue—for the next month they’re ready to pouf up their hair, put on their stilettos, and soak up all that Seaside Heights, New Jersey, has to offer: hot guidos, cool clubs, fried Oreos, and lots of tequila.

So far, Gia’s summer is on fire. Between nearly burning down their rented bungalow, inventing the popular “tan-tags” at the Tantastic Salon where she works, and rescuing a shark on the beach, she becomes a local celebrity overnight. Luckily, she meets the perfect guy to help her keep the flames under control. Firefighter Frank Rossi is exactly her type: big, tan, and Italian. But is he tough enough to handle Gia when things really heat up?

Bella is more than ready for some fun in the sun. Finally free of her bonehead ex-boyfriend, she left home in Brooklyn with one goal in mind: hooking up with a sexy gorilla for a no-strings-attached summer fling. In no time, she lands a job leading “Beat Up the Beat” dance classes at a local gym, and is scooped up by Beemer-driving, preppy Bender Newberry. Only problem: Bella can’t get her romantic and ripped boss Tony “Trouble” Troublino out of her head. He’s relationship material. Suddenly, Bella’s not sure what she wants.”

OH NO! Will Gia and Bella ever find true love? I’m shocked just how much thought was put into the character names to make them truly Italian and not seem like terrible guido stereotypes. Are we really at the point that cheap, embarrassing sub-culture stereotypes are what is desired? For fuck’s sake, the only person with name that took any creativity seems like it was lifted from ‘Futurama.’ The guys name is Bender Newberry? 

Let’s see some of the other things we have going on here. “‘Tan-tags’ at the Tantastic Salon,” last I checked those were paint swatches at Sherwin-Williams. Oh did, any of you catch the lines about Frank being tough enough to handle Gia when things heat up - you see it’s referencing him being a firefighter, in case you had a brain hemorrhage before I did and needed help seeing that. As for Tony “Trouble” Troublino? Just piss off, yeah? That’s not even acceptable. A simple search on Yellow Pages reveals no one with the last name of Troublino. Not even Google will bring up anything but a reference to the character in the book.

Jesus christ... I haven’t even started the actual sample yet.

(20:26) Thankfully the next few pages are standard copyright and Library of Congress shit. However, then I got to the “Acknowledgments,” and thought I just had to share a few thoughts. The first is the following paragraph:

“My amazing pets - Rocky, Tommy, Vito, and Gia - are my best friends. Mew, Roof! That’s, ‘Thank you!’ in animal speak.”

Yes, she is thanking her pets, for helping “make this book possible.” It’s also nice that she thinks they’ll read the book by spelling out the onomatopœia so they can read their acknowledgement in their animal speak. Snooki is so thoughtful.

So full of thoughts in fact that she didn’t actually write it, she needed a certain Valerie Frankel to translate her ideas onto the page. Perhaps Valerie had to translate because the hair monster was forcing Snooki to speak in animal speak for the whole thing (which explains why “Gia” becomes a character in the book, not just one of her pets.

(20:53) Chapter One begins with Snoo- I mean - GIA trying to get her hair to “pouf” while referring to a hair clip as a ‘tramp clamp’ and the outside of the place she’s staying as a hooker. There are a few lines that help prove how prolific of a writer out esteemed guidette is though: “...The couch - red velvet, supersoft - reminded Gia of giant lips. She dubbed it the official Make Out Zone.

With any luck, hot guidos would kiss her on it.”

Pure poetry right ther- hang on, I need to wipe some blood from my ears. My brain is starting to feel fuzzy.

(21:03) The entire first part of Chapter One is two whores getting ready to do some whoring. I’m sorry - two ‘guidettes’ getting ready to do some whoring - I mean whores and clubbing - I mean... Fuck it. It’s two bitches doing hair and makeup and having a pseudo-lesbian flattery fest. They talk about trading bodies with each other and give the kind of descriptions about each other that are so unnatural they must either be from an absolute brilliant mind or some sort of pathetic whore-savant. 

“‘There,’ said Gia, ‘Now you’ll kill the boys with one look.’

‘Not if you kill them first,” said Bella, smiling.”

Do girls actually talk like that? Seriously, that’s not even the worst of it, I just don’t feel like I should copy the other examples because my very act of re-typing them would ruin just how special the dialogue really is. It’s kind of like Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, but for literature.

(21:15) “Gia spotted five hot guys at the outdoor bar. Honestly? She’d get with any of them. Her heart started beating in time with the techno music. This was it! The first night!”

I just thought I’d share that. It shows so much depth to the character of Gia. There are guys, and she wants to fuck them. Or, I’m sorry, that's me just assuming from the various mentioning of it being the sexiest summer ever and her wanting to fuck anything that smelled like Axe body spray and hair gel. 

The second part of this chapter goes forward to show how the two cousins sweet talk their way into the VIP door past the line by being two drunk whores. No, seriously, the book actually makes it a point to say how they were 21, and legal to drink anywhere in America until they puked. Then when the bouncer decides to let them in, Gia doesn’t know if “she should credit her sass or her ass,” which is a dilemma!

(20:26) “She preferred her men big, ripped, tan, and gorilla. This kid? He didn’t even look Italian.”

I... uh. Wait, wha- I don’t... When did Italian become synonymous with gorillas? Is this because Gia’s name comes from one of Snooki’s pets? Is Snooki secretly a furry? Or is this books just plain shit? It must be beyond my intelligence because it couldn’t possibly be the last option. I think I’m just not on a high enough level to grasp what’s going on here.

(20:34) Bella has met Benjamin at this point (who is actually Bender!) and Gia is ‘dancing’ with some guido and apparently can turn torso 180 degrees from her legs because as they grind she can tell his eyes are blue. But she’s not interested in anything deep. The night is all about the three D’s, which apparently are drinking, dancing and duh. 

I’m not sure what the “duh” is. This is all part of the subtlety of ‘A Shore Thing’ and Snooki’s translated animal speak. Duh could be anything!

(20:42) So to end Chapter One it seems Gia has come to terms already with the fact that she’s a slut, even correcting the previously mentioned guido’s (whose name is Rocky) girlfriend when she calls Gia a whore for trying to cover Rocky in slut slop on the dance floor. 

---

Now, this is only Chapter One - the sample comes with the second chapter titled “Make Me Beg” - but I don’t think I’m going to get into that one right now. My brain needs time to take in the important lessons learned and analyze this piece of work under a deep scope of literary theory. Also, I fear I may need an MRI because I can feel my brain hurting in places I didn’t even know it could hurt. 

I... no, I can’t go on. Just by reading this first chapter I feel like I have developed a fake tan and a tumor from the banality and retardation that is apparent in this drivel. For fuck’s sake, we actually pay people like Snooki? 

This is where our nation is in intelligence and entertainment. This is a travesty against the English language and the printed word in general. Not only that - her and the Jersey Shore cast are who kids are now looking up to. We’re spawning a whole generation of Axe wearing, body-building douchebags who wear their sister’s pants and t-shirts four times too small for them and a female counter-part made of nothing but aqua net, fake tanner, fake eyelashes, and herpes.

My god. Fuck you Snooki.