Celebritwats (Pt. I?)

With today’s news regarding Charlie Sheen’s recent hospitalization, due to abdominal pain after a marathon party, he’s almost too easy of a target. All we need is for him to go off on a anti-semitic tangent and we can give him the 2011 Mel Gibson award for being a drunk fuck. However, we’ve known about Charlie for a while and honestly, how do you think you’d live your life if you were the highest paid TV star just for hanging out with Jon Cryer and a fat kid? I can barely stand to watch new episodes of “Two And A Half Men,” I can only imagine how painful it is on set.

However, the question here is why we keep Charlie Sheen around if he’s nothing but a womanizing drunk. Well, it seems to stem from bizarre relationship we have with our celebrities now. For some reason ‘celebrity’ has become less ‘white tower’ and more ‘dreck from the moat’ - as we see it heaped upon so many undeserving people. So in the interest of culling the herd, here is a list of celebrities that just need to fucking stop.


Kesha - Yes, it’s no big secret that I can’t stand this glitter and disease riddled hooker-with-a-recording-contract. From the minute I saw there was a new ‘artist’ out there who spelt her name insufferably, with a dollar sign in place of a real letter I knew we were in deep shit. The fact that she hasn’t had a hit song without mentioning getting completely wasted, partying, or fucked is a definite warning sign. Perhaps I wouldn’t have such a big problem if her shit was only played in clubs - but we’ve got radio DJ’s playing this shit and kids singing it. No one should be ‘brushing their teeth with a bottle of jack’ if they’re using a Spongebob toothbrush.

From the “$,” to the glitter, to what I can only hope will be a painful cirrhosis filled end the bitch just needs to go away. Maybe if we all stop listening to her, and put her in he trunk of a car speeding over a cliff, she’ll stop being a celebrity and go on to fail in other areas of life such as ‘not catching an incurable sexual disease’ or ‘not dying of glitter poisoning.’

Kristin Stewart - Not content to leave vampires in the coffin Anne Rice built, Stephanie Meyer decided to complete the pussification of vampires and werewolves by writing a shitty teenage love story known as Twilight, an unfortunate series that spread through the whiny goth/emo world like a black whirlwind. With the movies every fat, goth chick thought they could finally have their own glittery Robert Pattinson, and the guys had... well Robert Pattinson. Much to my dismay the series is now a huge franchise and somehow everyone thinks Kristin Stewart, who plays Bella Swan (and only Bella Swan - in any role) is some sort of “actress.” There are two huge problems with her though, and neither is “too much talent.”

First, she has no acting ability. Someone just said “find me a mopey chick who’s not slathered in bacon grease” and they produced Stewart. I believe the key to directing her is telling her to go stand in front of the camera and be inoffensively awkward and act like a normal teenage girl (with crazy mood swings!) Secondly, and probably most importantly - she can’t stop bitching about being famous. In a recent Vogue interview (I was tipped off by Chelsea Lately, I don’t read Vogue, so piss off) Stewart says: “There’s no way to eloquently put this, I just can’t go to the mall. It bothers me that I can’t be outside very often. And also to not ever be just ‘some girl’ again. Just being some chick at some place, that’s gone.” Aww, and all it cost you was getting paid millions of dollars. You know a lot of people would be grateful to be in that position. I’ll admit it may not be easy, but without those people who apparently bother you - you wouldn’t have a goddamn career except perhaps writing shitty coffeehouse teen-angst poetry.

In the meantime, finish making your crappy glampire movies and then we can hopefully forget about the whole glitter in the sunlight thing and make them cool again, and can just give all your money to me and go mope in a corner about how difficult it used to be being rich and famous.

The Rolling Stones - Now, don’t get me wrong here, unlike the previous two celebrities, I actually like the ‘Stones. However, they do need to stop - if for no other reason than I’m worried we’re going to start seeing Mic Jagger swing an IV pole around onstage instead of a mic stand. For fucks sake guys, you had a great run and produced some good music - but it’s time to just sit down, drink some metamucil, play a little shuffleboard, and hit on some nurses while they change your diapers. And Mic - no more fishnet shirts for you. Old man nipples are not attractive.

Also - can we find a way to take “Paint It Black” out of any future performances or releases? I’m really sick of hearing people who just heard the song for the first time try telling me how awesomely deep it is. We get it, you’re depressed, find a song to express it that your parents didn’t already use and I’ll dislike you slightly less. Seriously Mic and friends, you kind of unleashed a douchey/goth anthem with that one.

Oprah - Yep, I’m raging against Oprah. Why? Because someone fucking has too. I have never seen someone hide such a self-serving nature under a generous demeanor. I’m not going to say that she hasn’t done anything good, been an impressive humanitarian, but you have to listen to her speak. For every 1,000 schools she builds in Africa or Pontiacs she gives an audience, Oprah never fails to let you know that it was Oprah that did it. 

Take her magazine “O” for an example. One of the most powerful media figures in the world, a black woman, and who does she use her own publication to promote? Herself of course. Don’t believe me? Here is a quick google search of her magazine’s covers. There is one cover featuring Mariska Hargitay of “Law and Order: SVU” and the rest are Oprah or “Oprah + 1.”

I guess I’m kind of halfway on this one. On one hand Oprah shouldn’t stop doing all the good deeds she does, but she needs to shut up about how it was Oprah that did them. Making sure everyone knows you did something charitable isn’t charity, it’s promotion. Use your powers for the good of others Big O, you’re already worth more than a small country.

George Lopez - I saw a commercial for your latest Comedy Central special the other day. The clip has you complaining about people bastardizing your culture. You know what? If you are so worried about your goddamn culture, go back to Mexico. Because I’d rather not have you bastardizing MY culture with your increasingly anti-cracker humor. You’re right George, you’re a minority. We get it. You speak Spanish, good for you. How about next time you open your mouth you try to be funny?

I’m not saying this because I’m racist, nor is it because I have a problem with people making fun of white people (hell we deserve it, we are some goofy ass motherfuckers); but I have a problem when you talk about how American culture is ruining your own and making it sound like you have some right to turn wherever you are into your own personal cultural bubble. You’re here, mingle in the melting pot. If your own culture is that important to you take your talk show off TBS and put it on whatever Mexican TV network will carry it.

Oh, and never do a sitcom again please.

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Well, this wraps up the list for now. I’m sure eventually some other celebrity douchebag will piss me off, and you - my little pudding cups - will be the first to know about it. Until then. If you like the article, please comment below and share it with your friends. Also, feel free to let me know what celebrities you can’t stand or who you’d like to see me tear apart.

Thanks for reading!