New Year's Resolutions 2K11

Since it’s now 2011 it’s time to write the most cliched blog post of all time, the List of New Year’s Resolutions. The list of things everyone makes up, goals for the year, personal changes, and the list of most broken promises ever. I wonder if whoever came up with the idea of the New Year’s Resolutions expected so many to be broken. Perhaps they thrive on broken promises, drawing strength every time someone lights up a cigarette after make a resolution to quit smoking, or devouring an entire ham coated in butter (so they can swallow it in one gulp) after promising themselves to lose weight.

Come to think of it, why are New Year’s Resolutions so difficult for most people to keep? I think it comes down to a few things, namely the fact that you’re making a promise to yourself under the effects of alcohol and there is also no accountability to anyone other than yourself. Perhaps, from now on, when a resolution is made an enforcer should automatically be assigned. This enforcer would then be entrusted with the duty to punch you in the dick every time you stray from your resolution. 

We can do that for the 2011/2012 crossover, because I’m going to write my list of resolutions now and I don’t want to be punched in the dick. I also hope by this time next year most of you will have killed off enough brain cells to not remember that whole thing.

1. Punch More Babies

Babies get away with way too much. They can act like total dicks sometimes, but no one does anything about it. Well no more. I’ve had it with the leeway we tend to give these whiny, snot nosed, smelly, loaves of poop under the assumption they’re defenseless. Have you ever seen the projectile vomit they can spew? Or worse, the chemical warfare they can unleash? Babies are assholes, and I hereby resolve to fight the infantile menace.

2. Work More Than 1/2 of 2011

It’s not so much that I want to work, but I kind of have to to make money. Working also would mean I’m healthy again, so thats kind of important. Of course, that’s not to say I don’t want to miss a little bit of work.

3. Find At Least One New and Interesting Way To Injure Myself

I’ve pretty much been doing a bang-up job this year of falling apart so I figure I owe it to 2011 to find at least one new way to injure myself. It has to be something either so ridiculously disastrous or stupidly simple. Basically, it has to be entertaining, something that would really only happen to me. Maybe it’ll be something that happens at work and they can pay me.

4. Develop a Super Power, or At Least Convince People I Have

This one is pretty important. I don’t know what super power I’d want to develop, and it’s not really important if I truly do or not. However, maybe I could get my picture taken by some flipped over cars to convince people I have super strength, or maybe survive a big fall and convince people I can fly but had to land really quick. Perhaps my best bet is to just convince people I have super-speed, but I’m just really lazy.

5. Eat More Bacon

I think that one is pretty self explanatory, moving on...

6. Apologize To The Zoo For "The Penguin Incident"

Due to legal proceedings, the author of this blog is not permitted to go into further detail on the aforementioned incident. All questions may be directed to his lawyer.

7. Find All The Weight People Are Losing, Give to Good Home

Everyone always talks about losing weight for the New Year. Well, you insensitive pricks tend to just abandon it. If you’re not ready to have all that weight, maybe you should have thought twice before eating four cakes for breakfast. Instead of losing it, maybe you should just find it a new home. Give the weight you don’t want to a family who would appreciate it and take good care of it; nurturing it into a healthy, happy glob of lard.

8. Adjust My Filter

I think sometimes my filter is broken and I tend to say things I probably shouldn’t. I will look into adjusting this and making sure I say more inappropriate things more often. I already have a good start by telling my parents that there was no way I was offending the fucking kid in the bed next to mine at the hospital, so I know there is room for improvement.

9. Don't Wind Up On "Cops"

I figure as long as I’m not running from the cops a guy with a video camera, I’m probably not on meth or coke, driving a stolen car, or hooking up with a transvestite hooker. I’m really more worried about the last one, but the others don’t make for good life choices either. And as long as I avoid those activities, I avoid being shown making those life choices on TV. Seriously, as long as you don’t end up on “Cops” or a truTV clip show, your life probably isn’t going too badly.

10. Wear Pants Less

I’m not saying I’m going to wear shorts or skirts or anything like that, but I feel anytime I am wearing pants is less fun. Sure, my parents spent the first few years of my life training me to keep my clothes on, but I am old enough to make my own decisions now and pants - no more! Imagine if there was a life or death situation that required me to not be wearing pants (go ahead, try to imagine one, I can’t - I’m making this your job dear reader) and I have to struggle with taking pants off? I’d be dead. If I’m already pants-less though, disaster averted.

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So there you have it - 10 of my resolutions for 2011. Good luck with your diets and everything, I’m going to go punch a baby, fry up some bacon, take of my pants, and visit the penguins again.